Sunday, November 22, 2009

Late night bits

It's been a while. And I know why. I don't want to admit it, but I do. At first glance it feels like I have the whole "I have nothing interesting to blog about" syndrome. But deeper, it's not that. Not that at all.

I know I'm not the only one who feels like I do. Like at the end of every day there is disappointment. Just that feeling of not having given 100%. The feeling of not having done enough, not tried hard enough, been selfish, been on the computer too much, or too much tv. Too many times where a child had to ask me something 4 times before I responded. Too many times where I said "no". "No" we can't play a board game. "No" you can't play playdough. "No" you can't sit on my lap. Too many dishes undone before bed. Too much laundry piled up. Too many chores undone. Too many times I was not the mother the Lord wants me to be. Too many times I was not the wife the Lord wants me to be. Too many times I didn't speak with kindness. Too many times I was actually mean. Too many times where I saw behaviors in the children I did not address. Too many times where I saw my behavior mirrored in their behavior. Too little prayer. Too little time in the Word. Too many times where guiding was really nagging. Too much laziness.

I'm sure by now you get it. And no, it's not a pity party. It is what it is. At the end of the day when I usually blog, it feels fake to talk about the little things done when everything else is left undone. It feels fake to do homemakery posts when I feel like a struggling homemaker. Same with fun children stuff when all day I was a "No" Mom.

So I'm going to work on crocheting this snood for myself, wait for Clay's clothes for work to dry (yeah he needs clean clothes for tomorrow and there's none in the closet. Sue me) and then set the alarm to go off at a reasonable time, spend time in the Word and start afresh tomorrow with a new Make and Share Monday scrapbooking post and you can pretend this didn't happen.


Anonymous said...

I can completely understand what you are saying. This seems to be the story of my life. All I can do, like you is have a new beginning.


Sonya said...

Oh Kim, how often you write the words that are on my own heart. I know exactly what you mean, exactly how you feel. Too many days, I end the day feeling, *this* is the mom I'm choosing to be for my children? You're not alone, Kim. And with you, I'm going to work on it harder today.

I love you!!!

Cassandra said...

Oh my goodness, I'm glad YOU found the words for all those feelings... that exactly why I don't blog as often as I really want to, I've been procrastinating, I have also been getting depressed and yes all the other moms seem to have it all together on their blogs. Makes me wonder how many "fake" it, or I should say "make it seem much better than it is", as much as I do at times, lol. You are NOT alone. I think it's sometimes perfectionism that gets in the way, and wanting to show off how good we are. One thing I always try to remember is that God thought it would be good to record his own servants mistakes in the Bible. He didn't portray anyone as being perfect, many mistakes the disciples made, we would probably have kept concealed... God wanted to show us that his true servants weren't perfect. Even his son Jesus came through David's line and yet how many BIG mistakes did David make!?!

Keep looking forward, one step at a time, however small it may seem!!